Saturday, November 27, 2010
soooo.....I WAS going to write a blog about how Crayola is going to save the world (albeit I had a few glasses of wine in me). They seem to be the only toy company trying to get kids away from a screen. Perhaps some of you have seen their new toy? A glow-up dome that kids can draw whatever they choose on the inside, only to have it staged into a sort of little theater production! (not that I want one or anything.... uh...hm.....ug)
I'm feeling a little deeper (this is news) than crayola tonight.
So thanksgiving came and went. I was thankful on and off throughout the weekend. I saw family, some my own, some not, and even some pets I was truly thankful to know.
I was also very self absorbed.
Here I am, on the brink of some really cool stuff happening with my career, and I'm absorbed with the fact that I don't always know what to paint.
May I mention that the same week I was in Charleston, my little sister found out she is moving to New York City! Which is so, so so exciting! And sad, of course, since I am losing my beautiful, witty, courageous roommate to the hands of the Big Apple.
So, there's these two things going all on the time, it seems, for me. One is that I feel a little too much thanks and gratitude. I have been known to burst into tears at sunsets, at men holding babies, hell, even when those women on tv get a total makeover and their families see them for the first time and cry. I cry because I think it is so awesome, this world we live in. When I was eleven years old, I would cry myself to bed fairly often thinking about how it wasn't fair that handicapped kids couldn't play certain sports with other kids. But I cried even harder when I thought of the kids who DID play with them. I'm a soft heart, I've been told.
And then. And then.
And then I am totally absorbed in my own painting world. "How am I going to get old and gray and continue to paint?". "What do I think people see when they see my paintings?" "Are my paintings too feminine? Too Masculine?" " Do I show beauty or grit?" oh, and the oldy but ever-present "What is my REAL intention when I paint?" Yeah... that one looks like a big lizard. No, like Godzilla Himself. With two heads. and he's pissed off. and he sits right on my shoulder every day, snapping up flies. my flies. grrrrrrr.
I like to make my own fears look like animals.... lizards being the animal of choice for my friend Meg and I. So creepy and sneaky. She has been calling her fears banshees, which I really like too.
So, in a nutshell, I feel totally thankful and crazy. There.
Meg has said this thing to me since I met her (though I don't think it's her own idea). We are a two-sided coin. On one side, this time, you get all the amazing gifts that you feel, that you live, that you would do anything to protect. On the other side, you get selfishness, consumption, total tunnel-vision.
So If you try to throw one side of the coin away, you are, without fail, throwing the entire coin.... BOTH sides.
I HATE it when she's right.
It happens a lot, this two-sidedness. You are in love, but scared out of your mind. If you are not scared, chances are you are probably not in love.
So I had to stop beating myself up today for my moments of absolute short-sightedness. I've been so worried about my art. But it's because I care so much. And I care because of that other side of my coin.... because I am a lucky, feeling, empathetic person.