Tuesday. 1:51 pm. Starbucks by the Atlanta airport.
Why am I by the airport?? Because I LIVE by the airport. Now if this isn't a little trick the universe has in for me, I don't know what is. I'm always talking about traveling, about wanting to be neither here nor there. Well, that's what I get. Be careful what you wish for... you may find yourself in some sort of personal little poem with yourself.
Life does give you what you ask, sometimes. It just doesn't always listen to WHEN you want it. I'm watching this in myself right now. I've been hooting and hollering that I want to work with myself, "date myself" so to speak, and well, here it is. I live alone in a nice loft outside of Atlanta. I work there as well. So, I'm alone. A lot. Ironically, if you look by my bed, these are the books I have to read, am reading, have read: "Reveries of a Solitary Walker", "Start Where You Are", "Traveling Mercies", ""100 Years of Solitude", "The Journey of One Buddhist Nun", "Tao Te Ching", "Travels with Charlie".
Ok, wow. So the Universe is watching and listening, at the very least. It's funny how ideals don't always turn out to be the same in reality. I had this whole idea of being this little enlightened being in my little cave, where I meditate, practice Yoga, and paint all damn day long. I read books about being in the present. I become a vegetarian. Hell, I take care of my plants. Maybe I even adopt a little animal...you know, some cross-eyed one with a leg missing that nobody else wants. I volunteer at the soup kitchen. I paint the souls of people. I never get mad at anyone or myself. I am a calm being full of love. My paintings bring us closer to world peace.
I'm a sorry sight, right now. I'm painting a very large painting, ever so quietly in my new place, trying not to get paint on ANYTHING. This in turn annoys me. It is also a very, very difficult painting, emotionally. And massive. So I go to the store at the end of the day, buy myself a big ol' bag of potato chips (I have a weakness for these since being away from them in Italy for too long), buy a bottle of cheap white wine, and debate on becoming a smoker. Head home. I have no internet at home, so I'm left to basically sit with myself. I rent a movie, which I don't watch. After two glasses of wine, the entire bag of chips , maybe a hundred jelly beans, I walk outside to see the night sky. A train chugs by. A couple thugs across the street make me not step out too far from my place. I'm watching myself. I'm watching my reaction to me. At least right then I was. A few minutes earlier I was just focused on chips and how I don't always make good decisions in my life. Maybe I should start eating WISE potato chips and pray for some sort of culinary osmosis.
And then I get a big old slap in the face from the universe. "My dad is in the hospital" a friend texts me.
Wow. Where was I? I lost sight of the scope. And that's ok.. I'm allowed to lose it. I'll never really be a vegetarian. Or most of those things. But my family is healthy, I'm safe, and things aren't too bad. But this comment from this friend made me see the landscape again. Life is precious, is delicate. It can go at any point, really. So spending too much time poo pooing what I've got hasn't proven to get me anywhere so far. It's not warrior stuff... it's the soft spot. Like the insides of a sea urchin.
And it's normal life. The day in, day out. How I feel about it doesn't actually change what's going on, really. So what I'm having a harder time adjusting? So what the timing in my life seems off? It's ok. I can't fight it. I'm way too small, and am just being asked to be a part of it. So today is a new day. I can only live for today, it would seem. Today is the only thing that is even remotely understandable. And today I'm a softy who lives by the airport. I'm a young woman trying to get to know herself, trying to reach her goals, trying to pay her rent, trying to talk to God every day, trying to watch herself be mean, trying to stay put. That's all I've got. I'm good with that, though.
And I still want that dog.